Friday, November 7, 2008

November 7th

Well, today I still hurt. I'm still sad and I was hoping that today would be the day. You know the one where I would feel better and instantly be able to jump up and state that I feel no pain. I know I sound a little whiny but I swear, I don't tell anyone how bad I feel because well that's just me. I don't want Brittany and Tajah to worry because they are in college, and I don't want Jasmin or Isaiah to worry because Jazzy's getting ready to begin her competition season and Isaiah is doing so well with golf. I don't want Ray and Richie to worry because well let's face it they have enough issues of their own. I definitely don't want Rico to worry because I don't want him to be sad. He doesn't want to talk about the planning for the "if I die" issue. Who's left? Other than God, well this Blog that I have just created...It lets me get it off my chest without letting my loved ones really know...Maybe tomorrow, I won't hurt so much and maybe tomorrow I can be in remission with my Rheumatoid Levels in a normal range and not in the high 1,000's.....I'll wait on you Lord. I know that it's not my will but your will.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to be alive today and hug my kids one more time....

November 6th

Wow! Today was difficult for me. Today I had to start injecting "Enbrel" into my stomach. Well, not going to happen. My husband, thank God is strong enough to do this. He was there with me while the Dr. trained "us" how to properly inject it into my skin and Rico was able to do the first one. Keep me in prayer because I am really struggling with this. I despise all of the medications that I have to take everyday not to mention on Thursdays. Now now only do I have to take about 15 pills on Thursdays, I now have to be injected in my stomach on Thursdays and Sundays. I figured that if I wrote about this in a journal of sorts, I wouldn't feel so bad. I'm not sure if it is working yet because, I cried myself to sleep last night after everyone went to bed. I don't want them to worry about me. I do enough worrying for myself never mind adding others to that list. My baby brother called me tonight, because he's worried about me now and he even stated that he wished it was him and not me. But as a big sister, I'm glad it's me and not him. Rheumatoid Arthritis really sucks! My hands hurt, my hips hurt, my feet hurt, my elbows hurt. And that's with the medication...I thought that it was supposed to get better. Praying that my Rheumatoid levels will eventually go down and I can be considered in remission... Hmmm...maybe tomorrow.

Who am I?

Who am I?

What a hard question to answer. Since I have so many titles to address who I am. Usually, I am a mom...Then there's the I'm the wife of a minister. I've also been Staff Sergeant in the military, a teacher and the Dean of At-Risk Students. Let's not forget, that I'm a daughter, a big sister, an auntie and a grandma. You know me, I'm a friend to everybody. But seriously, can you tell who I am? I'm Tammy.

I claim Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I love helping those who can not help themselves. I've always been the advocate for those who are weaker than I am, the ones with no voice. I'm the one that you see at the store who will always say hello because I know that there are people in this world with no one to talk too. I'm the one who'll be there when you call no matter how late it is and I won't judge.

It's me, the one who you've seen over the years driving one of her kids to practice while waving quickly to her husband who is taking another in a different direction. It's me, you know the one who'll pray and fast with you if you ask. It's me the one who will cheer you on so that you know there is someone there for you.I'm that lady that has so much education that I'm still not done.

You know, I have a Master's Degree in Special Education, a Master's Degree in Educational Administration and I'm getting my Doctorate's in Eductional Leadership, May 2012.

You know the one that people always ask, "how do you manage with all those kids and working and going to school?" and I always reply, "God is good and He gave me a great husband."

It's me! Tammy.

I'm the one who quit smoking, on December 31st, 2005.

You know me, I'm the one who has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease last year called: Rheumatoid Arthritis. Remember? It's me, the one who asks that you keep praying that God gives me the strength to make it through each and everyday. The one who asks that you pray for my husband and my children that are going through this disease with me. It's me, the one who knows that life is too short and trying to live each and every moment the best way I can. I hope that as I write these words, I can answer who I am. From the words of someone who has already lost their battle with an auto-immune disease, "I believe that, as a culture, we shy away from anything surrounding death and, consequently, deprive ourselves of all the lessons inherent in the dying and grieving process. We ignore the reality that death is as much a part of life as birth."

I hope that my posts cover the gamut of human emotions because, as a Puerto Rican, I have always had a "rich" emotional life. While many posts are sad just as many are comical. This is not my version of "The Last Lecture." It is my heart, my thoughts, my joys, and my fears as they unfold along this journey. My hope is that you will find some of it useful on your own life's journey. I hope that sharing my experiences will help not only those struggling with life threatening illnesses, debilitating diseases but also to those who are blessed with their health as well.

God Bless you and no matter what happens on this journey, know that I will always keep you in my heart and in my prayers.